Expectations Hurt!

Last 2 weeks have been a roller coaster ride for me with emotional turmoil and some very difficult unanswered questions. All of this converted into 2 days of emotional imbalance and today I am a little better and trying to put things in perspective. Trying to see if I can get answers atleast now.

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The very foremost question is  - Are all of us so entangled in our lives that we do not get even 10 minutes to talk with people whom we call 'friends'? Distances might be vast, time zones might be varied but with technology everything has become so plausible. And even then, we just go on with our lives without taking out even 10 minutes to talk with our so called friends. If our friends call us, we do not answer and we do not even call back or drop a message conveying the reason for not being able to talk. I do not believe in having friends where there is no communication. Communication is important, it is the heart and soul of any relationship. Without which, the relation has little value. Talk it out is my mantra. But yet, some people do not have time for me in friendships. 

Expecting a 10 minutes talk from your dear friend hurts!

The second question - Is it so difficult for people to appreciate a good thing? Forget appreciating, people are jealous if you are doing good in life. They will try and bring you down. No one knows, what all a spouse on dependant visa goes through. Every day is a battle, waking up and thinking - what today? And yet, I keep myself sane with so many constructive activities. I could have wiled away my time watching stupid hindi soaps with girl friends. But no, I took a different path. I am not asking anyone to praise my perpetual struggle to do something meaningful in life. But atleast don't smirk and say, "What is the use of all of this, you anyways are not getting paid for it."

Expecting others to be sensitive hurts!

The third question - Is a small piece of information so expensive that you are unwilling to render it? I have experienced this time and again. No one wants to give any information because they think that this piece of information will help someone to progress in life. Minute information like a singing class whereabouts, an HR contact, a course detail or even for that matter a food recipe. Are we so narrow minded that we do not want to give a small piece of information due to our insecurities. I believe if a person is destined to know something, he/she will get that information from one channel or the other. Of course holding off information will delay the process, but never the less it will reach the destination. 

Expecting others to provide information hurts!

I am not saying I am flawless or perfect. I am not saying I do not err. I am not saying I am not guilty of a few things mentioned above. But today I atleast acknowledge my mistakes, I know what are my flaws and I am working towards improving them. I have learnt my life lessons. 

Amidst all the emotional chaos of unfulfilled expectations, deep inside I know this phase will pass too. It makes me realize the blessings in my life - the friends who are still with me, the strangers who helped and people who always motivate me.

The last question still haunts  - Is it so difficult to be a good human being?

Reigniting Life’s Motor

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The fountain in front of my apartment has stopped working and the water in the manmade lake is still and calm. As I look into my reflection in the steady water, I go back to those moments in my life where the motor of my life’s waterfall too was broken and it seemed life had come to a standstill.

I was probably 6 years old, sitting alone at my home and peeking through my window at my friends playing below. They were so engrossed in their play of hide and seek that no one even seemed to be missing me. And me, I could not go out to play because I had this stupid chicken pox and thus was grounded at home by Mother Nature. My mom was pacifying me from the kitchen reassuring me that I will be able to join my friends soon. I was not sad that I was not being able to play, but at that tender age too - I was hurt deep within that none of my friends even subtly hinted or expressed that they missed me. They were having a great time sans me. The chicken pox seemed to have opened my eyes and life seemed to have come at a standstill for a moment.

And yet, my chicken pox got cured and I forgave my friends for their betrayal and joined them to play the next game of hide and seek.

I was in the 6th grade maybe and there was a heinous crime committed in my locality. A family was butchered by thugs just to get some money and jewels. The kids in that family studied in my school though I did not know them personally. We had a few minutes silence during our school assembly that day praying for the deceased family. I came home that day and just started crying incoherently. I cried till tears dried and my eyes puffed. My father kept on asking me what is wrong and yet I just could not tell him what exactly was wrong. I skipped school for 3 days. Everything was dark around and life seemed to have come to a standstill for a moment.

And yet, on the 4^th day I could not take the darkness anymore and went to school leaving behind the blood and ash memories of the incident.

I was in my Senior High School. The seniors had picked up a few juniors from the class and had asked them to make a queue. Unfortunately, I was one of them. The seniors were having some fun at our expenses. Just then one of them commented, "It seems this girl isn't being fed properly at home, look at her popping collar bones." I was thin then, I am thin now. With this comment hurting like a scorpion sting, I was made to eat a piece of cake without touching it with my hands. I closed my eyes in shame and the time seemed to have come to a standstill then.

And yet, I did not let those nasty comments on my thin frame lose my confidence nor did I eat the cake as per the seniors’ instructions. I rebelled instead.

I was newly married and was at my new home. There was a lot of chaos going on with regards to the rituals of welcoming the new bride into the family. I was overwhelmed with the plethora of instructions being thrown at me. And at one moment, I did a grave mistake by not abiding to one of the ritual rules. The chaos was making me cringe with elderly women crying foul based on their beliefs. ‘Something unholy will happen to my husband and me’, was being echoed in my ears. I somehow mentally blocked out all the commotion, the time seemed to have come to a standstill for me.

And yet, I politely told the elderly that my husband and I will face the unholy.

And yet, I realized it is ‘me’ who has to reignite the motor of my life’s waterfall to ensure that the standstill moments are left behind. It is ‘me’ who is responsible for bringing the swing and motion back to my life. It has to be 'me' and no one else.

Glorifying Failure!

As many of you might know that I am a Toastmaster and last month I took part in the Humorous Speech Contest and won at the Club level, even though I did not expect at all that I will win. It was a pleasant surprise. I went ahead to the Area Level today and guess what? 

I LOST. 

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Or am I being too fast to come to a conclusion? All of us write about winning, but today I thought I will write about my failure, my losing. I am terrible at accepting failures and it does not come naturally to me. So here is a personal account of my brain musings when I realized I did not win.

I knew for sure that I was not going to win. Michael, a fellow contestant was stupendous and I knew he is going to win. He was terrific! So, I was mentally prepared to face the truth. When the results were announced, it did not come as a surprise that Michael won. And I should have felt a pang of sorrow and disappointment in my heart, but this time I did not. I was pleasantly surprised with my own self. So have I evolved as a human being and stopped feeling the obvious emotions in such a situation. Or was it that my brain was playing with me and that I was putting up a facade in front of the world, to come home later and break down. I had to wait to know this till I reached home.

But I was smiling all the time, I went out and congratulated the winners. Something I learnt at my earlier win at the Club, when the fellow contestants came out and congratulated me. My good wishes for the winner were genuine, Michael was great and he deserved to win. At this moment I thought, so is this still a facade or I have done the never done. I have finally learnt how to accept a failure? It was still too early to come to a conclusion.

When I was congratulating the winner and returning back to be with my husband and leave for home, a gentleman came up to me. In my introduction earlier, I had mentioned that I was a writer/blogger and joined Toastmasters because it was the best avenue to blend my writing and oratory skills. This gentleman said that he was looking for a blogger for his business and would I be interested? I was pleasantly surprised and said, "Why not?" I took his card and I have promised to get back. This might not culminate into a full fledged opportunity, it is too raw right now. 

But my brain secreted a wonderful something, which was nudging at me to forget about the earlier failure.

With that, I headed again towards my husband and I was greeted by an elderly gentleman. This gentleman has been a Toastmaster since 1989 and has a few Contest wins in his kitty. He is retired now, but his Toastmasters journey is still on. He told me that I was the best and that for him I was the winner. He even showed me the agenda where he had marked 1st place against my name, a little game he has been playing since long. Choosing his own winners before the real result is announced. Listening to him was such a humbling experience. He invited me to his Toastmasters Club to give a speech. 

At this point, my brain started acting more weird and there was a gush of positivity within me and some fluttering in my stomach.

I headed towards my original destination - my husband, when there was a group of Toasties who came up to me and greeted me and they were very supportive and encouraging. We shared nos. and email ids and decided to be in touch.

My brain now had completely forgotten about losing and there was a surge of motivation and bliss. I was sure I will not be breaking down after being in the solitude with my husband.

I finally made it to my husband, where many folks were telling Sujoy that his wife is funny (that is me btw). I went there, held my husband's hand and said "I get all the humor from him" :)

As I came out of the Contest Room and headed towards home, I was convinced that failure is elevating. Failure is fun. Failure is humbling! 

Guest Post: Unexpected Sacred Spaces - Pure Hearts

I was over Meredith Bazzoli's blog this week, writing a guest post for her guest series on 'Unexpected Sacred Spaces'. I came to know about Meredith from another blogging friend Lily Dunn and I instantly connected with Meredith's very revealing secrets about her faith and approach towards life. Please do check out her blog to get some great insights on everyday life - Very Revealing.

One might expect to find sacredness in temples or churches, but sometimes you find sacred spaces unexpectedly at entirely surprising venues. Here is my story about such sacred encounter - 

Marriages are made in heaven or so they say. I started firmly believing in this quote when I witnessed my younger sister’s wedding. India is a diverse country with a rich cultural heritage and every regional place has its own sets of rituals and customs. My sister’s marriage was an alliance between 2 completely different cultures and hence it was a huge fun for both the families!

Click here to read more.....

Nurturing Growth!

Photo Credit: Gaurav Rasane

Today I mark a BIG milestone in my life journey, I complete 2 years in the land of opportunities i.e. USA. Being in the US has been an eye opener and has made me evolve as a person on a number of fronts. Today as I sit down and look back at these 2 years, I feel so jubilant as well as grateful for some really unforgettable moments and the drastic change in my outlook.

Flash back - when I first came here, it was a different story and the quietness of the place and no human interaction was driving me crazy. Slowly and steadily I got used to the massive lifestyle changes here and started enjoying my time here with my dear husband.

Fast forward it to today - if someone who has not seen me for years bumps into me today, they will be surprised at the transformation. Not just the physical transformation but me as a person. I have grown leaps and bounds in my character and attitude, I like to call this version of mine as Pradnya 2.0 :)

I have grown as a writer. When I read my earlier posts of 2013, I am a little embarrassed with what I wrote then. Given a choice I would like to delete my earlier posts, but then I will never be able to gauge my progress. This was my first post and this was my latest post. I myself feel astounded at times when I look at my earlier work and what I have been writing lately. I wrote less then, maybe a post per month and sometimes not even that. And today, I make it a point to write at least once a week. My writing canvas also has widened - it is not just my personal blog, but also on other avenues like Women's Web and Stylewhack. I even wrote a guest post on gratitude at Lily's blog and one post on Pink Pangea. These two posts by the way are favorite of mine till date. So yes, I have grown as a writer and that makes me immensely happy!

The second major change I inculcated in my life is that I stay away from negative people and negative thoughts. It is very difficult to self motivate yourself when you do not have a regular job and have the entire day to yourself. Every day when I wake up, I think - 'What today?'. To top it all, if you are surrounded by negative people then life becomes just impossible. I have stayed away from all the gossip and bitching. I have kept my circle small, but consisting of people who really matter and care. I stay away from people who easily comment, "You have the entire day to yourself and plus no kids. What tensions you have in life." Or people who assume that since I do not have a job I am available for them all the time. And people asking every time they meet, "So what do you do the entire day? Why don't you do baby sitting or something" without understanding that I cannot take money in any form on my current visa status. I stay away from all these people and all narrow mindsets. What it has done to me cannot be described in words. Trust me, if you want peace in your life just banish all the negative energies and you will be better off!

The next change is that I have grown immensely spiritually. By spirituality I do not mean visiting temples, chanting and praying in front of the idols. By spirituality, I mean my way of life. The giver is the God, but to accept his blessings and coming to a stage where you stand in front of Him and thank each day for blessing me with all the abundance - needs a whole new perspective. I do not have a job, but I have nourishing food 4 times a day. Isn't that more than enough? Maybe the initial loneliness pushed me closer to God. Today I enjoy this solitude and do not freak out on being alone. I have created my own little space in the tranquility and aloofness. Sometimes days are not great but I still thank God for the good things in that day. From cribbing and crying to life full of gratitude and acceptance. Make this change and you will experience the divine smiling at you too :)

My outlook has changed and I have become a little more open and dynamic person. I was not like this before, I was a very rigid person who had a set time table for everything in life. Thanks to my husband, I am learning to let go off that rigidity and bring in some spontaneity in life. I still struggle a little with impulsive plans but I am improving. I took life too seriously, but now I am loosening up for good. This entire year till now I have been doing something new each week, coming out of my comfort zone and trying to be a free spirit. When my school mates meet me today, they find it very difficult to believe I am the same Pradnya. Having said that, the day I will get up in front of people and dance with no pretensions, I think that day will mark my real freedom!

As they say, everything happens for a reason - so was it for me. The last two years have been the times of tremendous growth for me. I have been nurturing growth and nourishing my personality, my bonds with my family and my connection with God. I continue on this growth journey and maybe next year you can see the Pradnya version 3.0!

I am growing as a person to be a better human being. I am on a path of a revolution within myself...........

The Twisted World of Relationships!

A rolling stone gathers no moss! Can this be true for relationships too? If you take a relationship for granted and do not try to reinvent it, chances are the relationship becomes stagnant with a thick layer of moss. And there comes a point, when this moss forms a profuse dense web around your relationship and exiting this moss becomes next to impossible.

How will you explain, two people madly in love getting married and then getting divorced within a year? I fail to understand how two individuals can come to a stage where they just can't stand each other when at one point they were madly in love. Isn't love supposed to be enough to build your relationship palaces? Or does the mundane suck the love out of life? 

I spend more time at work with my colleague than at home with my husband. Is that an excuse to have an extra marital affair? Are we so weak that we get carried away so easily? Relationships have become so hollow today that finding that strong foundation is becoming a herculean task. 

And when relationships are falling apart, no one wants to be the bigger person and make things better. We are wrapped so much in our 'false sense' of individuality that we do not want to come upfront and say sorry. The blame games and the pointing fingers is what is left. 

My intention is not to point fingers at anyone, but in general our generation is facing huge problems with relationships. Relationships are deteriorating at every corner and it is treated as absolutely normal by all of us! Is this where we are heading to -  a place where bonds are not lifelong but temporary and flipping out of relationships is the new ritual?

So many stories of broken hearts I hear each passing day and it makes me question the sanctity of relationships today. 

Maybe we need to give an extra effort to relationships to create strong bonding and unwavering trust in our ties! Maybe we need to go the old fashioned way to talk it out to find a middle way! Maybe we need to sit and ponder how to rejuvenate stale relationships. Maybe we need to walk in parks holding each other's hands. Maybe we just need to fool around sometimes. Maybe we just need to keep aside our mobiles and talk. Maybe we just need to hug the other person and say you love them! 

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Fighting My Own Demons!

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I am a human and struggle with my own demons each passing day. Some days I succeed and on some days I succumb to these demons. 

I have come a long way from being a selfish prick to being the most helpful person. It is not just near and dear ones that I have helped but even strangers on airports! I remember once at a airport, we were checking in and the machine didn't print our boarding pass. We were waiting for some human help. There was this old couple beside me, technologically inadept struggling with the options to chose on their screen and I just inadvertently went to them and helped them with their boarding passes. We were still waiting for the customer executive to help us and I saw another lady trying to put a name tag to her suitcase but unable to do so as her hands were trembling. She was a little far off from me and I walked upto her and helped her with the tag. I was trying to tie the tag when I heard my husband calling out my name in a little irritated manner and I looked up to see the customer representative had finally arrived and was asking us for our IDs. I hastily tied the tag and ran towards the kiosk. I did not have to do it and still I went ahead and helped complete strangers.

Is it wrong to expect someone to help me back in my need? Is it wrong that my acts are not selfless and deep down I am expecting to be treated the same way I treat others? Religion says, do selfless acts and do not expect any fruit in return. Then isn't it wrong for me to expect that my kind gestures will be repaid?

I was alone when my SPHR certification results came out. My husband was on business tour and I came to know that I had missed the certification by merely 8 points. This was my first academic failure in life and I did not take it very well. I just had one friend on phone who was with me and consoled me. No one around me came to my home to give me a hug and say, "It is fine. This test doesn't determine your capability. Shit happens. Let it go."

Was  I wrong to expect someone to come to me and render a helping hand at this time? I fight with my demon every single time when I forward my hand to help someone, the demon screaming "You are not going to get anything out of helping that soul, then why do it?" And I still go ahead and render help anyways!

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At work there is this colleague, lets call him/her 'Sam'. Sam does nothing, just attends meetings and put forths some 2 points and the Manager is super impressed with Sam. Post the meeting, Sam just enjoys and does not put even quarter of the effort the rest of the team puts in. And yet Sam is the star in the Manager's eye. 

One day, Manager calls Sam and says he needs special advice from Sam on a very important project which is to be executed by Sam alone. Sam is drenched in nervous sweat because Sam knows nothing and has no clue how to go about the project. 

And I, I just feel so happy within looking at Sam's state. Religion says never be glad at someone else's adversity and yet I feel satisfied and immensely happy at Sam's fate. The devil inside me inflates and I get a kick seeing Sam finally suffer.

Am I wrong in feeling this tinge of happiness at someone else's expense?

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I am having my lunch and the phone rings. It is my very good friend. She jubilantly shouts in the mouth piece, "I got a work visa. I can start working in the US finally." I am thrilled at the news and then we discuss how life will change for her now with juggling between home and work and how incredibly great it would be to be financially independent again after 2 long years. 

I hang up the phone. My mind starts racing and I feel a pang of jealousy stabbing at my heart. I am indeed delighted for my friend and yet there is still a tiny thing inside me that nags me continuously. 

Is it wrong to feel this way, even if it is for a tiny winy second?

I think about the appreciation and love I get from my readers, though I do not have a paid job and I push that jealousy demon away and yet the demon comes back each time when someone goes a step ahead of me!

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I fight with my demons every single day!