Fighting My Own Demons!

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I am a human and struggle with my own demons each passing day. Some days I succeed and on some days I succumb to these demons. 

I have come a long way from being a selfish prick to being the most helpful person. It is not just near and dear ones that I have helped but even strangers on airports! I remember once at a airport, we were checking in and the machine didn't print our boarding pass. We were waiting for some human help. There was this old couple beside me, technologically inadept struggling with the options to chose on their screen and I just inadvertently went to them and helped them with their boarding passes. We were still waiting for the customer executive to help us and I saw another lady trying to put a name tag to her suitcase but unable to do so as her hands were trembling. She was a little far off from me and I walked upto her and helped her with the tag. I was trying to tie the tag when I heard my husband calling out my name in a little irritated manner and I looked up to see the customer representative had finally arrived and was asking us for our IDs. I hastily tied the tag and ran towards the kiosk. I did not have to do it and still I went ahead and helped complete strangers.

Is it wrong to expect someone to help me back in my need? Is it wrong that my acts are not selfless and deep down I am expecting to be treated the same way I treat others? Religion says, do selfless acts and do not expect any fruit in return. Then isn't it wrong for me to expect that my kind gestures will be repaid?

I was alone when my SPHR certification results came out. My husband was on business tour and I came to know that I had missed the certification by merely 8 points. This was my first academic failure in life and I did not take it very well. I just had one friend on phone who was with me and consoled me. No one around me came to my home to give me a hug and say, "It is fine. This test doesn't determine your capability. Shit happens. Let it go."

Was  I wrong to expect someone to come to me and render a helping hand at this time? I fight with my demon every single time when I forward my hand to help someone, the demon screaming "You are not going to get anything out of helping that soul, then why do it?" And I still go ahead and render help anyways!

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At work there is this colleague, lets call him/her 'Sam'. Sam does nothing, just attends meetings and put forths some 2 points and the Manager is super impressed with Sam. Post the meeting, Sam just enjoys and does not put even quarter of the effort the rest of the team puts in. And yet Sam is the star in the Manager's eye. 

One day, Manager calls Sam and says he needs special advice from Sam on a very important project which is to be executed by Sam alone. Sam is drenched in nervous sweat because Sam knows nothing and has no clue how to go about the project. 

And I, I just feel so happy within looking at Sam's state. Religion says never be glad at someone else's adversity and yet I feel satisfied and immensely happy at Sam's fate. The devil inside me inflates and I get a kick seeing Sam finally suffer.

Am I wrong in feeling this tinge of happiness at someone else's expense?

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I am having my lunch and the phone rings. It is my very good friend. She jubilantly shouts in the mouth piece, "I got a work visa. I can start working in the US finally." I am thrilled at the news and then we discuss how life will change for her now with juggling between home and work and how incredibly great it would be to be financially independent again after 2 long years. 

I hang up the phone. My mind starts racing and I feel a pang of jealousy stabbing at my heart. I am indeed delighted for my friend and yet there is still a tiny thing inside me that nags me continuously. 

Is it wrong to feel this way, even if it is for a tiny winy second?

I think about the appreciation and love I get from my readers, though I do not have a paid job and I push that jealousy demon away and yet the demon comes back each time when someone goes a step ahead of me!

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I fight with my demons every single day!