Questioning my Faith

I have always believed that I am God's blessed child. I had it quite easy as compared to my sister or my husband. I got things the first time without much of an effort. Even during the worst of times, I always had something to look upto and smile.

There have been times when I should have questioned my faith, but I haven't.

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Most of my sister's and mine growing years, our mother was ill and bedridden. I think for almost a decade, she was up and down in her health graph. All those school years, my dad did everything for us. He cooked, he bathed us, he made us ready for school, he dropped us to school and then picked us up along with making a living for us. 

I was young then, yet to form the strong beliefs of faith. But even then, I never once thought that 'why is this happening to us?' My sister and me were good kids even then, though the home situation wasn't favorable for us. We were good in academics and also never ever created any nuisance.

My mom was recovering and then the Harshad Mehta scam hit us! My dad used to trade quite a bit in the stock market then and all our savings came crashing down due to one scam which shook the entire economy. Since then, life was difficult. But not impossible. Amidst the small pockets, I completed my education. I did my MBA in Human Resources, started working and things started getting better.

In all those years, I never questioned faith. Yes, there was a problem. But in that economic crisis also, God made sure that money came in when it was needed the most. Unlike my sister, who had to start working earlier to finance her later education.

These two are the only drastic situations where I should have questioned my faith and asked God, "Why me?" But I didn't. I didn't because inspite of the adversaries, I still was content. 

I started praying not to get something from Him. But to bow down to a supreme force and just feel it's supremacy. To feel content that I am being watched by someone up there. To know that I am in good hands.

But last week something hit me and I have been shattered since then. I don't even have the courage to spell out what happened but yes, it still haunts me. It crushed that strong cushion of faith around me, it made me doubt my beliefs, it made me question my faith. That why God, why with me? I have been torn apart and struggling to resurrect my faith, but with no success.

I was crying incoherently and sobbing to my husband asking why is HE being so cruel? Why is HE being so unfair? And you know what my husband said to me? 

What about the rest of the 100 things HE has done good for you? 

These words from a guy who has never got anything in his life easy. My husband has struggled always. He never gets anything that he aspires in the first go. A lot of struggle, a lot of delays and then maybe he gets what he wants. This person, this person who has struggled always was asking me this crucial question.

I was numb and pondered on what he said to me. 

Is my faith so frugal that a small blow shatters it down. Am I so vulnerable, that a disappointment makes me doubt my own faith. Are my prayers so weak that an adversary can cut through them? Am I so selfish, that I forgot all the other things HE did for me?

He kept our family together even after the shortcomings, He made us stronger and tougher, He gave me a job in 2008 and did not let me get fired when the economy was in shambles and I saw 25 employees getting fired in front of me, He gave me a husband who is a gem of a person, He gave me a new family who love me as their daughter, He gave me a job within a month after shifting to Chennai while my friend had to wait for 1.5 years to get back to work after relocating post marriage, He made my sister and me independant enough that we can take care of our parents, He gave me a chance to come to a foreign land and spread inspiration through my writing, He gave me a smile which rarely wilts, He gave me an outlook to tear down every adversary into pieces and find a optimistic ray of hope within, He gave me Faith to which I can hold tightly even in the worst times.

Yes, He gave me all that and much more. 

That one question made me stand up again. He just has not given me one thing and I am making such a big racket down here, cursing Him and blaming Him. My faith resurrects as I remember the 100 other things He did for me!

My faith is intact and maybe, maybe one day He will give me what he just snatched from me last week! Even if He doesn't, my faith is strong enough to face the truth heads up and restart.

Why I am an introvert!

Yes, you heard it right! I am an introvert, though the people around who don't know me well will think I am full of attitude as I don't mingle and people might think I have a smug face! Well, to people and their perceptions!!!

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I am an introvert because I do not like a large group of people around me. It makes me claustrophobic. It makes me conscious that each one of them is judging me and that too judging me in the wrong way. A herd makes me extremely uncomfortable.

Second reason of me being away from all the social life is I like to keep my circle small with good people. I hate drama, I hate cheap gossip, I hate people talking at your backs, I hate petty fights which are turned into world wars, I hate the constant nagging to keep up with the group, I hate to fake smile, I hate to be pulled down by jealous people. When your social circle is big, all these things tend to happen no matter what and you cannot control. 

I am happy in my very small world with my husband, my family back home, a few good friends, my writing, my books, Toastmasters and currently my exhilarating stint at Stylewhack. I like being in my own cocoon and letting only the treasured ones inside that cocoon.

I love being in the warmth of my home with my loved ones doing something which I like instead of attending a party hosted by someone whom I don't even know that well. 

The other day I watched the local cricket tournament which happens in my Community! I was there because I love to watch my husband play. I have been watching him play since our dating days - Infosys football, Cognizant football, US football and now cricket. He is a different person on the field, I love to see the transition between normal Sujoy and sportsman Sujoy. Oops! Sorry, I got a little carried away with my love for Sujoy and his sports! So getting back to the point, I had gone to watch the cricket match and and I was the only one female in the audience for most of the tournament time! And it was liberating!

I love to see him dribble!!

Not that I didn't enjoy the last time I was there with a bunch of women, but this time it was different and I could enjoy every bit of the match swearing without thinking of the audience around. I did not deter for a moment also that what will everyone think that I have come all alone to watch the matches. I think that is what being an introvert means - being happy to be alone in a crowd and being in their own world!

But my closer circle knows how talkative I am, how caring I am, how positive I am, how pissed I get at certain things, how I love watching cartoon movies, how I get engrossed in books, how I get excited about Toastmasters, how I love writing, how I am obsessed with certain things!!!!! And I think that is what matters - my beloved people knowing me, rather than a bunch of unknown people trying to gauge me!

Me and My Happy World

Bottom line is - I love being an introvert and don't think I am going to change this any sooner!

8 Days into Forgiveness

As you all know my word for 2016 is Forgiveness. And as I am practising this virtue in my day to day life, I just thought about sharing my journey so far.

Has it been easy? 

- Definitely not! 

Am I liking it? 

-Sometimes yes, but sometimes I feel like ripping off the contact with a certain person rather than forgiving. 

Do I think I will be able to continue with this charade of pretending to forgive? 

Definitely No!

Come on, it is just 8 days into this new word and I think I am doing better as compared to what I envisioned. Just a few days ago I came across this poster from Sun Gazing and it explains my sentiments so aptly - 

I started with my forgiveness spree by getting in touch with everyone whom I had deliberately cut off from my life due to reasons which could not be forgiven. It was the most difficult step to take as it brought back all those memories of betrayal, insult, hatred and animosity. Getting back in touch with them and behaving nothing ever happened was an insurmountable mountain which I am still struggling to conquer. But what has kept me on track is giving the benefit of doubt that those human beings might also have evolved and changed since I knew them last.

Then there are some folks whom I just cannot come to forgive. At least not at this point of time. I am leaving them off my forgiveness radar at least for the time being.

What I have realized is someone admitting their mistake and saying 'Sorry' makes forgiving a little easier. Maybe. I have never found it difficult to admit my mistakes and say sorry to the person who was hurt because of my actions. I have done it every time without having any ego issues. But for some, saying 'sorry' is also a humongous ask. And it makes my life hell to forgive someone who isn't even apologetic of their actions.

But as I am inculcating forgiveness in my life, I have started believing that getting rid of that rancid hatred feeling is elevating. I am feeling liberated to some extent by taking these baby steps. Why to hold on to one small incident in life and break up all ties with a person? Why not to give benefit of doubt to someone? Why to hold on a grudge all life long? Why not forgive and move on?

These Whys seem simple on the outset but the way I figure out the answers to those Whys will determine the kind of human being I am. I am staying put on this mission of 'Forgiveness'.

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Top 3 Blogs of 2015!

I would like to thank each one of you who came and read all my stories, sent me messages of appreciation as well as constructive feedback, told me that my stories inspire you, shared your stories with me and of course those of you came again and again to read my scribblings! I am thankful from the bottom of my heart to all of you :)

I hope that your love and support is with me this new year and all the next years to come :)

That smile is because all of you mean a lot to me :)

As the year went by, here are the top 3 blogs at my everyday blog as well as the 52 weeks adventure gig blog. These are the stories you loved the most!

Happy Reading! Or should I say re-reading? :)

My Blog:

Guest Post on Gratitude: This is my most read blog of the year. It was a pleasure writing this guest post on a fellow blogger's website, who now is a very good friend :)

http://dreamsarray.blogspot.com/2015/04/live-gratitude.html

Nurturing Growth: My journey in US so far and how it has helped me to grow as a person. This one brought a lot of memories!

http://dreamsarray.blogspot.com/2015/07/nurturing-growth.html

The Twisted World of Relationships: A glance at today's relationships and how bonds are deteriorating amidst the influx of unwanted desires, temptations and of course social media.

http://dreamsarray.blogspot.com/2015/06/the-twisted-world-of-relationships.html

My 52 weeks of Adventure:

My Parasailing Experience: This is the most adventurous thing I did till I did ziplining later :P My mental fight while trying to tell myself that it is ok!

http://52weeksofadventure.blogspot.com/2015/01/week-3-and-i-fly.html

Warli Art: This was the first project, our girl's gang undertook and it was so much fun. Loved every bit of this experience and all the other projects we did as a gang!

http://52weeksofadventure.blogspot.com/2015/07/week-29-warli-art.html

The Tattoo Experience: Finally after a year of pondering I finally got inked in my favorite word and theme. Check out my tattooing experience down here -

http://52weeksofadventure.blogspot.com/2015/12/week-52-finally-got-inked-in-gratitude.html

The Word for 2016

You know my word for 2015 was 'Gratitude' and I lived every bit of my life in 2015 engulfing and assimilating the real meaning of gratitude. I was so influenced with my way of new life with gratitude that I even got inked in my gratitude tree. The journey with gratitude still continues and it is time to choose a new word for 2016.

That is my gratitude tree

The whole idea of choosing a word instead of some 10 new year resolutions is being true to yourself and sticking to this one singular goal. This one word represents who you want to be and how you want to live.

Choosing the word for 2016 was not that difficult. Since a month or so I have been infected with intense hatred for some people in my life. This is extremely unusual for me as I do not feel such intense negative feelings for anyone. I am typically a positive person looking at the good things in people as well as life.

The hatred has made me a little silly as well as turning me into a person which I is so not me. We just get one life, why to waste it in hating someone who does not even matter in your life. So my word for 2016 is 'Forgiveness'. 

Forgiving and moving forward. Not dwelling on someone doing wrong to me, forgiving someone plagiarizing my content, forgiving people using me, forgiving those gossiping and spreading rumours about me, forgiving those being insecure because of my presence, forgiving those being jealous about my journey, forgiving those who want to pull me down, forgiving one and all.

I know this is not going to be a cake walk. But in order to grow as a human being, I need to give it a try at least. This is more for me than those who affect my life in a negative way. Getting rid of all that extreme hatred is the need of the hour.

So join me in wishing me all the best in this difficult crusade I have taken up for this year. I don't know how successful I will be in this task, but I am here to give it a try at least.

"Grudges are for those who insist that they are owed something; forgiveness, however, is for those who are substantial enough to move on."

-Criss Jami, Salome: In Every Inch In Every Mile

And trust me I am substantial enough!

To 2016!!!!!

New year, new beginnings!

The Year that was 2015!

A very very long post alert! Summarizing my year 2015 is going to be a daunting task and it is by default going to be a long post. I did a recap of 2014 too, which was month wise. But for this year I thought, I will just jot down the major twists of my life. So bring a hot drink or even wine, sit back and get ready for a detailed report of my 2015.

Travel and Adventures
Year 2015 was characterized with some travel and some adventures. We started the year with a trip to Key West in early January this year. What was special about this trip was that I did parasailing! Those who know me, know how big a deal this was for me! It was a struggle with the mind and finally I did it!

Scary!

 In March, we went to Texas to meet some old friends, my cousin and her super cute twins. It was supposed to be a family gathering and hence we did not do much sightseeing but just sat back and relaxed with friends and family. It was the first time I experienced snow in the US! It was a memorable trip!

That is my darling niece with our snowman

In June, we went to the Fairchild Botanical Garden in Miami. We were just on the verge of moving towards a little north of Florida and thought this was the best time to cover all the South Florida spots on our wish list. The garden was beautiful and the best part I loved about this garden was their Butterfly Park.

Gorgeous Colors and Butterflies

In September, we traveled to Orlando to witness the live magic of soulful Arijit Singh songs. The concert was breathtaking and with each song he sang, my heart melted. It was a 3 hour drive one way and we did not mind that at all.

That soulful voice!

In October, we went to Smoky Mountains. And I think, this is my second best trip in US so far...first being the Niagara Falls. We traversed through 4-5 states and were overwhelmed with the beauty of the fall colors. It was my first time of witnessing the fall colors and I was in love with all the vibrant colors. However, what marked this trip as extra adventurous was my tryst with ziplining! It was kind of a revelation moment for me!

Don't ask all the drama I created!

That was the travel part this year. I believe in creating happiness via experiences and travel indeed allows me to make a bundle of memories to sustain happiness over the longer journey.

New Beginnings, New Friends
The biggest move of this year has to be our shift from Plantation to Palm Beach Gardens in June. I loved the new place since the day we shifted to our new home. It is a fountain facing apartment and I just cannot stop talking about the view I wake up to every single morning. 

Isn't it breathtaking?

I also made some new friends here and I love being here :) Neha and Gauri have been great friends till now and we are sure that our friendship will go past the hurdles of long distances, which tends to be the root of every friendship distancing. I have spent some memorable times in the second half of this year with these two buddies which will be there with me forever. I am trying to learn how to put make up and yet carry it the classy way from Gauri and I cannot even try listing all the things we learnt from Neha in this year. We have our imperfections and yet we gel in very well! New friendships which I will cherish forever! 

Ya ya, friends forever :)

Celebrations
I celebrated my birthday this year by coming out and cheering Sujoy at his football finals in one of the tourneys. It was a different way to celebrate the birthday. But if you know my husband, I think you will understand how much it would have meant to him that I came out and celebrated my birthday this way! Not to mention, his team won the finals and brought a trophy back home :)

That's my hero :)

We celebrated Diwali with a bang this year. I did all that my mother does during Diwali. It was a lovely festive time and I loved each bit of the Diwali fun. We also had our friends visiting us from Denver and it was a homely Diwali in true sense.

I even wore a saree!

Our Anniversary, we had a candle light dinner at one of the restaurants by the beach side (perks of staying in Florida). And while coming back home we saw some holiday lights in the vicinity. It has been 4 years since our marriage and 10 years since we know each other, and yet it feels we met just yesterday :)

Blessed to have him by my side!

His birthday, I baked a cake first time ever. I cooked his favorite food - macaroni for breakfast, bengali mutton curry and jeera rice for lunch! Dinner was outside. We spent some good times reminiscing all the years which are behind us.

That's the birthday celebrations!

Efforts for Personal Growth
This year I joined Toastmasters and my journey so far has been very rewarding. After 8 months, 10 speeches, 6 best speaker awards, 4 table topics awards, 1 win at the humorous speech contest and a lot of learning later I finally achieved the first level of competency in Toastmasters i.e. Competent Communicator. It was my personal goal to attain this level this year itself and with the help of my Club President I was able to do so. 

Yayy, yayy! That is the way it is done :)

My writing has grown in leaps and bounds this year. Apart from my blogs, I wrote a couple of guest posts at different bloggers' site and I continue to write for Women's Web. I also started as a Creative Writer at Stylewhack early this year. Over the months, today I am the Executive Editor and I am donning a lot of other hats at this start up. It keeps me pumped and helps me balance my career aspirations. Recently I was told that I have written 50 posts already on Stylewhack and it is a milestone for me :)

I have learnt quite a few new skills and did a lot of art and craft work this year, thanks to my girl's gang at the new place :) The best skill has to be undoubtedly 'crochet'. There was a time when I was hooked to it and completed a beanie, a scarf and I am still struggling with my jacket as yet. I cannot thank Neha enough for this! Apart from this; we did quilling, wind chimes, diwali lanterns and of course crochet. 

That beanie and scarf has been crocheted by me :)

I also tried my hands on swimming this year. Well technically I have not 'learnt' swimming as yet but my fear of water has at least reduced. It was a 4 sessions class and in those  sessions I got rid of my water fear. I also did some swimming in the Community with a few of my new friends, but ya I am still swimming with a board! :P

I am in the waters at least ;)

The Drastic Steps
This has to be my uber short bob cut I did in May this year. It was a BIG step as I have always maintained a certain length of my hair. But I wanted to take some risk and I went and did it! Though I have been told not to go for such a short cut again! The next on list would be a pixie cut ;)

That is the short bob cut. Not that bad, right?

The next has to be my tattoo. I have been wanting to have this since a year now and finally in December I did it. It is drastic as I am the first and till now the only one to have got a tattoo in my as well as Sujoy's family. But hey, I always have been a pioneer ;)

Inked in Gratitude!

The Worries
If you thought my year has been just about happy moments and fun, then you are wrong. The biggest worry which has troubled me the most is my mother in law's health. My MIL is a very energetic and always on the run kind of a woman. But this year, her health deteriorated and it has been troubling me ever since. She is doing better now, but she has lost her sheen :(

The second part is of course we not being able to go home due to unending visa procedures and hang ups. It has been quite a long while now that we haven't been home and it haunts us every single day. We are praying that next year at least we should be able to visit home and be with our loved ones.

So yes 2015 has been a tremendously fulfilling year, I did one new thing each week this year and I can't wait to start 2016. My word for this year was 'Gratitude' and I have lived every bit inculcating Gratitude. I am searching for a new word for next year and stay tuned to know more about it.

I hope you guys also had an eventful year and wish that 2016 is adventurous too! Happy New Year :)

Being the Positive Angel!

She was the ultimate definition of optimism,

Just like the rainbow colors oozing out of a lighted prism.

Everyone around her looked up to her for motivation,

Always smiling, 'happiness' shouting from each of her fraction.

Then one day, the unthinkable struck on her,

To an accident, she lost her dear mother.

And yet she stood strong amongst them all,

Holding her family together and not letting them fall.

Her father held on to her for support,

For her little brother she was the strong fort.

They clinged to her like a child to a mother,

She held strong, giving hope to everyone around her.

All the while she proved to be everyone's positive angel,

Not understanding the chaos of emotions beneath her tangled.

She wanted to remove the 'facade' of being eternally at bliss,

She wanted someone to hug her and on her forehead place a kiss.

That night she saw her mother in her dreams,

Saying it is ok to cry sometimes and also to scream.

It is ok to break down sometimes and feel the pain,

It is ok not to look for a rainbow always in the rain.

She woke up and she cried, like a baby she cried,

She let out all the sorrow as her mother had died.

She told herself, "Let me cry, let me cry today for once and all"

Because from tomorrow I have to smile and again stand tall!

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